I miss my old times

I do really miss my old times. Since nine years ago, I have been living a very uncomfortable life. I cannot be myself. I cannot be what I want. I have to follow what my husband wants. I quit singing. I quit teaching. I quit sosializing. I quit having fun with my friends. I lost my friends. I emotionally have changed. I quit crying. I feel empty.

My life was so wonderful before I met him. I regret the day I knew him. We're totally different. Actually he isn't my type. I don't like his face. I can't understand his jokes. I don't like his smell. I don't like him at all. I don't like his friends. I don't like his family.

He wants me to do everything I don't like. He pushes me to cook. He wants me to garden our garden. He wants me to stop shopping. He wants me stop participating in all of social communities I joined. And stupidly, I do everything he wants. And now, I'm fed up.

He starts to yell at me and tells me that I never heard him. He's never given me things that other men give to their wives. And he tells me that I am the one who make us cannot save money. He compared me with his friends' wives, he thinks they live a very thrifty lifestyle. He told me that I wasted all of our money.

He always sees me as an imperfect wife. He doesn't realize that when I forgot the things he asked me to, it's because I'm too tired to work from morning to afternoon while taking care our daughter. I've never asked him to buy me expensive things. I quit to have a 'me time' by having manicure and pedicure, my favorite pampering time. I only have some clothes and and I wore them until they're worn out. I quit to have the latest communication gadgets. I only have them in my dreams.

The only thing he can't control is my dreams. Now I'm trying to earn money without his help. I want to reach everything without being depended on him.

I'm still trying...............
I'm staying in this marriage just for my daughter and my parents.............
I won't forgive myself if they're hurted because of me..... :(

:(
:,(